i wish there was a good excuse as to why i haven’t written on this substack in awhile. there isn’t. life happened and i just didn’t feel the spark anymore. i did think about it all the time, though.
however, every time i thought about writing in this space, my stomach sank and my mind blanked. i never knew what to write. i thought it would never be good enough. what did i hope to accomplish anyway? nobody cares what i have to say, so why bother?
when i look back, i feel bad for myself. all this time i could’ve created something for myself, but instead i let the fear of being “cringe” overcome me. i thought i freed myself from the feeling, but i guess it was still waiting beneath the surface.
i wish i could go back and shake myself. i want to tell her that it doesn’t matter if people care what i have to say. i should say things because i deserve a space where i can feel, create, and connect. what do i hope to accomplish? literally, just a sense of pride for committing to a project. the goal was to create a space on the internet that felt authentic to me.
now, it’s been a year and a half, and i still have nothing to show for it. i wanted to have written so many things — good and bad — just for the sake of writing. instead, i’m back at square one. i look behind me, hoping to see a trail of my progress, but all that’s there is a smattering of half-assed pieces here and there. i wanted to grow as a writer but i’m the same as i ever was.
my issue usually stemmed from idea generation. when i did manage to hold onto an idea that was somewhat decent, i scared myself out of writing it; i was worried i would put so much of my energy into it, just for it to “flop”. Or, like, not come out how i imagined it. so i stopped writing — at least for a public audience.
however, i still craved the feeling of creating something, and i wanted to share it on the world wide web. i thought about doing video essays because i can’t get enough of ContraPoints and Lindsey Ellis, but again, i struggled with idea generation. i just ended up rambling and was kind of sad because i did end up investing in it just to see it “flop”. i told my close friends and partner about it, but when i had nothing to show for it, i felt like a disappointment. they were very supportive and encouraging, but i felt like a failure. i started to feel sorry for myself. i never wanted to show my face again.
whenever i try to give up, though, i can’t stay away for long. it’s like the memory of that failure gets wiped away and i want to try again six months later. then i try, fail, get embarrassed, turn my attention to something else, and the cycle repeats.
i’ve now tried a wide range of different hobbies and interests: polymer clay, bracelet making, piano, and theater. i’ve heard some experts say that it’s actually good to have a range of interests and skills because it allows you to apply what you learn in one area into a completely different area; it allows for innovation and niche specialization. or something like that.
i don’t feel that way. i feel like a lost kid who doesn’t know what to do with their life and they’re only getting older.
like, i’m currently an email marketing intern. when i first started i was really excited to learn copywriting and possibly find a career in that area. now, though, i’m considering quitting after only a month because it doesn’t interest me anymore. i worry that this will be my entire life; i’ll get involved with something i think i’ll enjoy but a few months i’ll be bored and leave a team that’s dependent on me.
maybe it wont always be this way. to be fair, i’m not getting paid or getting college credit, so this internship is only a learning experience, and i feel as if i’ve learned all there is to learn, which is the fact that i don’t want to do it anymore.
there’s an anecdote i heard once. it’s about a guy who was really good at playing the violin. he played it all throughout grade school, but when he went to university he chose an english major. people were shocked because they thought he would go for a music degree since he was so good with the violin. he said that he went to school to be a better writer because he enjoyed the good parts of writing but also the boring parts. he hated doing scales, music theory, and the other boring parts of playing violin.
so, now i’m thinking which one of my interests do i enjoy doing the entirety of, including the boring parts?
i’m not sure. i hope to figure it out soon. until then, i’ll continue to wander down this path covered in a fog so thick i can’t even tell where my next step will land.
Card of the Day
Queen of Pentacles (rx)
The Queen of Pentacles reversed may indicate that you may have misplaced priorities, which may eventually comprise your future. you may find yourself distracted and unable to focus on work or long-term goals.